Ennui

I've done the math, it didn't count.

All the days and years of endless boredom. Of waiting for the next best thing, trapped inside your mind like a lifetime prison sentence. Maybe one day we'll be free, maybe one day we won't feel so oppressed. But when does that day come? Tell me ...

As a kid I enjoyed life, with an endless imagination, dreaming away to far off places and far off worlds. A place to hide, a place to be free. Where your mind can whirl into the strands of life's enjoyment, into the best thing. Instead of having to settle for the rest. But when you're young it's called 'imaginative', when you're an adult they often call it 'psychosis'.

What if that ultimate reward they always promise you doesn't come? What if life just really sucks like it actually does? No wonder the depression struck.

But I had my reward, so I've accepted those years of suffering. But I can't help wondering: what if? How do people handle it, how can they handle it, if that reward doesn't show up? I've only accepted, because I had my damn reward. What about you?

Struggle for Life

7.53

Another morning ritual. Trying to fill the loose ends of time in the early morning is a task.

7.54

I've done about everything, too early to work and too late to go back to sleep.

7.55

Trying to avoid the nausea of life at all cost. My mind is a snakepit, filled with holes.

7.56

Trip, fall ... those damned memory traps.

7.57

A second of a glimpse is enough, the hole became my home for another lifetime of a minute, less than a minute?

7.58

No. A minute. But I should be happy, I know I should. This is one of the happiest periods in my whole life. I should be happy ...

7.59

I am happy

It seems like yesterday since I last wrote ... and yet it's been a while. Between work, household, love, books and music there is left so little time ... Just a word of thanks to you my readers for your time and enthousiasm. And I will return, soon!

You don't see the bruises ... you can't foresee the pain. It's intense, so deep and yet so volatile, in vain.

He slapped my head once more while he uttered for the millionth time the same old words again: "You're a loser and you'll never win. I hate for you to be my shadow as you put nothing upon me but shame".

There was only one thing he forgot: life and loyalty aren't about winning, losing, shadows or shame. It's beyond all of that human stuff, details that are nothing but obstacles ... to reach a higher goal, a common ground. A lot to leave behind: I betrayed.

The Lord has spoken

Come to the Lord
and say a prayer!

Whatever your Lord is,
Believe without condition
No matter what his churches say
No matter what they do
Believe everything they say
or else you're a heretic too.

Why not leave it all behind
And choose the path of the unknown
Where you can choose your way of life
And die in your own sweet sigh.

Mothers

There's a surprise for you!

Why did she think I would have been pregnant? I hadn't seen her for ages, neither people she knew, so it wasn't my weight ...

She opened the door, a sigh of relief on her face, thank God she thought ... She isn't.

The surprise was we came to visit, the thought of a newborn all hers.

Where hearts have no conquerors ...

Let's just rest and let the wind blow through our hair, while the mountains quake and the trees shake their leaves. Towards another destiny, a new world ... where greed is only a word without significance, hunger doesn't belong in a dictionary and money is only an archeological object.

Let's just talk and let our words be woven into a veil of tears. Where our hearts can have no conquerors, where we only seek to comprehend. Let's gain understanding, move into a different habit, symbolising what could have been.

Here, upon my deadbed, I call upon thee ... you the young and the weak. The deficient and mongrols of society, resist! The burden is upon you, my abnormal friends, to revolt, against this: the one that never questioned itself, the only so freaking selfsure and the true dominance of the individual.

There is a time to lay down and tolerate, there is a time to indulge and seek compromise but now ... now there is only a time to exterminate.

We.

I thought I was the eternal loner,
roaming around the world,
around the boundaries of existence.

My life was a mess
upside down and turned around
nothing was for the best.

Until I met him
a loner just like me
roaming his way through life,
roaming his way through me.

Was it luck, was it fate?
Destiny one would almost say.
All revolved around harmony,
all revolved around one,
the one and only
we.

All that's left

All that's left
are the ruins of before
nothing but a tangible evidence
of human's urge for more.

All the rest's gone up in smoke
songs, love, hate and life
everything of value
everything of true gold.

Humans are selfish
and that will be their demise
until there's nothing left
but a tangible evidence
of what could have been more.



More worth than just a recommendation!

Stancha

Per una volta sono stancha,

stancha di persistere
stancha di pensare a tutto che devo ancora fare
anche stancha di morire.

Ma persistero
la sola cosa che voglio
è sola un po di tempo per me stesso
per leggere, inventare, scoprire
le misteri di un passato lontano
e una letteratura grandiosa.

Work kills creativity

Work kills creativity
and nothing more

After two years sabbatical
the return is hard
hard like a brick
reality in your face like a brick.

But we all need money to get by ...
And that's how it works,
so for now let's swim.

It's dangerous for me to write right now,
it always is ...

I've had a few drinks
after a tough couple of days
And as I'm used to writing my heart's desire
or rather - what bothers me
I should keep quiet ...

And for this time I will

But there is a weeping in my song,
I didn't hear for many months
Let's just hope I awake tomorrow
happily and ever after,
as is expected
as is desired

Or let's just be us for a while
It's all I ask, nothing more
to enjoy the time we have
forever and after more.

Childless

Have you ever born a child?

No

Why not?

I fear it ...

I fear it will ruin my life.
I fear it will bring pain.
and I fear I won't be a good mother.
But it will bring pain
And I'm not ready for it.

The Lion

Another year changed, turbulent and wild. Where the horses are born, stallions galop into the horizon to be burnt by the evening sun. A word more, a word less, does it matter when you think about the progress?

"If all else fails you can still whip the horses eye"

I'm not sure if I whipped it, but reborn I was.

Another year closer to death ;-)



For those who like my poetry, here's a work you will love :-)

This is Not About What You Think

Moon river

Let's not fall in love
just for a while
you can have everything you want after
everything you desire ...

But, just for a moment,
consider me a human being.
Talk to me, make my mind dance
and especially make me swear ...

swear until the gods bring me down
corrupted as they are
their name brought in shame.

But there is a way
there is a light
Somewhere along the moon river
shining bright.

Chronicles from the accutely tired.

The girl with the golden earring never knew her fate.

But all I can think of is a decent bed and sleep. The traveling has wearied me and instead of resting I'm running around all day, doing everything and nothing at all. The only consolation is my return, but that too ... is another trip of 1300 km.

Love is a strange thing.

Preparing my next book?

It might be
and might come to that
let's just see
the guts I have.

For you my love

Paradise was a place
Where I never had been.
That only existed
in the mind of idolatry
in the mind of deceit.

Happiness may come a long way
it may not come at all
but my patience and perseverance
were rewarded with an oasis of joy,
you my love, my joy.

I feel defeated in advance
like energy is slowly sipping away
your blood once boiling
now calmly ... calmly flowing to the sea.

But I won't give in
I know this feeling too well
and I will beat it
till my blood boils again.

And then it hit me ...

I'm part of the working class girls again ... but I don't want to be a hero, let alone a heroïn. Those who follow me produce their image of me themselves and I'm not responsable for what they perceive me. All I needed was hope and belief and someone gave it to me, it doesn't make her a heroïn, but my gratitude will be carved in her tombstone.

I have lived a thousand lives and changed multiple times my whole way of life, the habitat, even the country, ... I don't seek it, change seeks me and stimulates me beyond what I think I'm capable of. Strength and tenacity are qualities that should be valued in red, golden and brown.

Write the five words down: hope, belief, change, strength and tenacity

Learn to live by them, but above all, learn what they mean when I add Panta Rhei.

This is written to you in Broken English, it's a message from the heart, the century and the mind ...

Live by it and you won't regret. Life of past times is but a shadow cast upon your presence, shadows follow, and should never preceed.

L.

To never sleep again ...

There is this book called 'To never sleep again'

It haunted me - for years I must say. An academic whose sole life purpose is to prove that comets can obtain alien micro life forms. Why did it haunt me? As the main character turns his back desillusioned and decided to give up, the narrator describes beautifully how a cometh with little alien life forms falls behind his back while walking away ...

When you give something a chance and maintain your belief in it, miracles can occur ...

When you disregard the chance out of security reasons or by giving up, the cometh will fall too but it will never see the light of day in your life ...

Luckily ... I persisted :). I can sleep again now.

Nooit meer slapen (BB literair) (Dutch Edition)

My Sisyphus

Undestined feelings of belonging
Undestined sentiment of death
if this is my utopia
I will gladly rest

til my day of glory comes
where I know
that I have loved, hated and cried
suffocated into happiness
and risen into the pain

My day of glory comes
cometh it will
and I'm glad

Life is not my punishment
immortality is
letting go is part of life
so I'm letting go of myself instead.

Nice work Pablo! ;)

I used to believe in the good old days

I used to believe in the good old days

The days of sorrowful eyes
where rain were angels' tears
and nobody wondered why ...

except me.

I used to ...

Now I believe in the days to come
the days of possible joy
where butterflies surround the sun
looking for that rainbow
for the years to come.

Thank you to those who shared and encouraged my voyage til where I am now.

Casey, I'm looking forward to reading your book! (Joseph you're next!)

this strangled life

Let's strangle opportunity
into the dark corners of the mind
where all repressed memories roam
where joy is still a shadow
waiting to be born.

Let me roam the darkness
Not for ever, just for now
So my mind can feel at ease again
In this regulated and blissful life.

Vortex

Relentlessly drawn downwards
as if it means nothing at all
Relentlessly drugged
as if it means nothing at all

But tomorrow
Things will be better
they don't have to
but they will

In between my lines

If you could read
in between my lines
what would they tell you?
Would you finaly grasp who I am?

Or does it still scare you
Someone who seems to be ungraspable
high above in the clouds with body, soul and mind.
For me, there is nothing not to be grasped about me
I'm not the enigma
The enigma remains why you can't grasp me ...
And above all, why that scares you.

Aren't we all masters in a way
Where mutual exchange takes place?

Aren't we all servants
to this life of disarray?

Aren't we all doomed
To bear what comes?

And above all,
aren't we all dead when our time has come?

The master and the servant, the servant and the master ... might be viewed from the wrong angle where the master is always superior.

Soon ...

I saw your name up front
like no one else would ever do
I sacrificied my heart
for people unworthy of you

but I found another way
or the way found me
I met another traveler
who volunteered to accompany me

my lover,
I hardly write about you
maybe partly out of wisdom
maybe just because I care so much about you.

I only insert amazon adds from books and writers I esteem very highly ... so I'm taking up the habit to include in every post a book recommendation :)

Magdalene & the Mermaids

Love is a precious thing
the most precious of it all ...
something not to joke around with
so I won't ...
I really won't.

Songs of heavens before

I sang into the open air
where noone could hear a word
I sang for flowers, butterflies and towers
but all I got was silence unheard.

Maybe it's for the better
Maybe it's for the best
My voice would give no meaning
To the words written down from above.


A song with lyrics from above, for Marilyn, my dear friend:

Tired stories
from the hells above
Tired hands
resting on love
Tired faces
of miracles unseen
Tired eyes
of beauty and misery in between.

I'ld love to see you this morning
in a velvet gown of lilies
I hope you'll find my eyes twinkling again
For a newfound joy I never had.

I thought of you this morning
And what you put me through
The time you said
We couldn't rest.

Interview on Quills of Fire!

Read my interview on Quills of Fire on http://www.hercircleezine.com !!

Buy your copy for 15 euros:

Just don't forget to mention your address ;). Thank you!

It does matter you know

So many people ...
so many lives ...
ruined.

It does matter you know ...

when sombody of violent character
threatens you with death,

when somebody tries
to rape you,

when somebody close to you
hits you like a boxing ball.

Where, how, who ...
matters so little
It leaves it's mark
Scars you
Scars everyone
The multitude of ruined lives.

A longdistancecall? What do they want this time?

I had a dream
And then came Love
I had to choose
I lost both, eitherway.

My exes haunt me in my dreams
The most shallow ones first.

A vision of a bedroom
The one from my first love
While listening to the breathing
Of an unimportant approach.

How alone can you get?
How isolated can you become?


Signed: the past.


And now? Let's talk another time
Situations change
People stay the same
But still ... love remains a complicated thing.

A blank slate

A future

Still to be written.

I loved to see you cry
The anger of your tears
welling down in a fountain of pain
the outburst after the drop
the fury of the passion

Maybe it's just me
Maybe it's the world
But it shows ...
emotion and passion still invoke fear.

"Let's say grace"

For that rosebud that never saw the light of day
For each leaf destroyed to hear that adorable crisp
For each animal butchered to savour that delicious taste.

For the millions of poor who don't get a chance
For the millions of nimrods who think they know the way
For the millions of depressed who no longer see a future
All drugged by medicines, society, religion, normalcy ...

But that's not all
Let's say grace
For the ones with the brains
For they are the ones
Who suffer ... to the bone.

So I say to you
Is it enough?
Is it really necessary to continue this road
Carving beyond redemption ...
All I can say is: I hope you enjoyed.

A road
Where hope hasn't left Pandora's box
Where hope is but an empty word
Cried out by the eyes of the millions slain.
Maybe it's just me, maybe it's just you, maybe it's just we.

There used to be a pain here
painted on the moist of my heart
blood slowly seeping in
dripping from the walls
slowly dripping
till the colour soaked my mind
oh so frigid, so unkind.
It used to be like this,
but is no more
thanks to the grace and kindness
of fortune and destiny combined in one.

Visions of before

I slid across the tracks
To be never seen no more
Disappearing into the night
A smiling moon behind me
Hardly ever so bright.

The moment is coming
To break all ties
To go for the unknown,
To hide of past lives.
To disappear into the light.

Where dreams come to juncture
there is nothing to be done
but realise those dreams
forever, till the moment comes.

This place can not be sanctified from heaven
it can not be sanctified from hell
there used to be a boundary between them
but nowadays it all just sounds swell

Let's unit for that kingdom that not cometh
and the knights who are turned to dust
Let them sleep in their shining armor
and be patient, shhh, one upon a time comes trust

Quills of Fire is finally HERE!

Contact me for orders, more information coming soon!

L.
slaapslaapslaap@hotmail.com

I've taught you this way
and nothing more
from here till yonda
take thy lesson
and start astray.

One day we'll make it
One day we'll be ok
One day fate will have mercy
One day nothing will come my way.

Maybe there's a way
Maybe we have to construct one
Maybe we'll succeed
and maybe there will be disarray.

Just don't let fortune come in between
or the lack of it that is
Maybe we have a future
Maybe there is our way.

Relevation

I've lived to see this day,
where nothing comes my way
where all is said and done
untill the angels come.

One day they will come for me
when my eyes are stained red
my heart torn apart
by a treaturous dart

Fame and fortune
Is all that's at stake
but maybe I'll be happier
small and tucked away.

Damage

Blooded rags and rags of bones
one day you live, one day you starve alone.
Give me the drugs, give me the love
till it's too much, till it's all the same
Till nothing's left and noone to blame
Dance on my grave when all possibilities are gone
they all call your name
when the damage is done ...

I call it from the hells down low
from the crypts, from the elders
from the white raven and the crow
I call it nature
I call it prayer
I don't call it God,
I don't believe in One
Let's settle for that,
just for a while
cause when all is said and done
nature always seems to be right.

After all we've been through,
there must be a way out
a way to love unconditionaly
a way to live,
a way to be proud.
After all that's said and done
let's find our next junction
where we can meet
without burning bridges
without feeling numb
let me be the fire that consumes your wood
and doesn't destroy
for all we've been through.

There is always a way out,
just seldom the one you prefer
seldom the one of your heart
seldom the one of your coeur

Follow the track
and let nature have it's way
listen to your heart
and let it be that way ...

Blooded rags and rags of bones

Blooded rags and rags of bones,
one day you live,
one day you're gone ...

Give me the drugs,
give me the love,
till it's too much
till it's all the same
till nothing's left and all is gone
of this deserted palace ...
the palace of disarray.

Dance on my grave
When all the possibilities are gone
they all call your name
when the damage is done.

Pondering into the great grey sky
forgetting everything,
even forgot to say goodbye.

Pondering into the great grey sky
no limits
you don't even have to wonder why

Just sail that ocean of clouds
Just become weightless as air carries you around
Just be what you want to be
now.

It all matters little
in the light of eternity
I'm not fond of eternity though
neither fond of all.

But you?
I like you
One of the few
who can make me laugh ...

Inspiration comes and goes
Memory doesn't stick around
I could offer you wonderfull words
if I were only behind my computer
when the words enter my mind.

In the dark
all you see are shadows
in the dark
all you feel is pain
that enduring suffering
that hits you in the face
over and over again.

I takes a lot of courage, willpower and luck
to get out of that dead end street alley
to be immersed in light
and feel the warm rays of the sun
Just don't forget:
it takes courage, willpower and luck
courage
willpower
luck.

Just another boring day without you, babe ...

A burning of the savage kind

I can hear the fire
in my mind
a burning of a savage kind

I can hear the waves
rolling in and out
a tranquillizer of the natural kind

I can hear the dust
settling in
for earth is holy
do not distrust the dust.

I can hear the wind
howling in my soul
urging the flames
into a quick and fatal explosion

I can hear the flames
in my mind
a burning of the savage kind.

It's time to take a stand
open our goddamn mouths
and say, shout!
What we truly believe in

Hiding has no point
the thought police
will track you down
and if you do slip
through those tiny mazes
what will you have done
for the ones after us ...

Nothing,
nothing but a coward's option
to remain silent
and say nothing at all

Let's break the bonds of habitude
Let's strive for a better world
Let's demand the sacrality of life
Freedom of thought,
without being judged.

Let's accept
some people think differently
act differently
see differently
criticize differently.

They too have their rights
and should be granted the freedom
of life the way they want it

Let's pray to dubious gods and idols
for this wish to be granted
once in history
without abuse.

Kneel before society
and you will be saved
into the kingdom of numb thought
you will be praised.
You will get the title 'normal'
and be enslaved
in body, thought, spirit and mind
take this chalice away.
Let me have my own mind ...

Maybe, just maybe ... it's all worth it.

There used to be a time when I looked up
and looked down ...

There might have been a time
I was afraid of what could reconcialate ...

But it's time to stand up
of what we are and be proud

For what has made here
is one of a kind.

I might write you a love song,
though it's an unconventional one ...

I might tell you how laught,
though you might not understand our humor ...

I might tell you how we made love
but you wouldn't understand ...

Maybe in a sweet hereafter
we might have the life the ourselves.

When your in love
there's nothing much to do about it
or write about it ...

Holidays

You'ld think when you're on holiday
you are free to go
and do what you want ...
Some people think otherwise.

Soulmates

Once there was a time
you and I could hold on
to each other,
to memories ...
to the core of your soul.

But you just keep carving
carving in bones so hard
maybe ... just maybe
I still care too much.

Words, sentences ... slip my mind
thoughts come and go
without holding on

if only I had paper ...
too much to remember
too sporadic to scribble down.

It's time, time for me to go
wherever the roads lead me
where there is no place for regret.

I wish there was such a place
let's find out
for a while

When the World will perish
and believe me one day it will
only then you will realise
the importance of coöperation
and the petiness of your wars.

Death is lurking

Cry me a river, moan me a song
Let me act upon the fact
That all could be undone.

Live a life beyond repair
For all ends that ends well
you too won't be spared.

Dig your grave
While humming my song
It's about everything
and nothing at all.

Shattered
through the wall
of non-compliance.

Shattered
through your brains
as if a gun held before your head

Shattered
through divinity
the longing for more
one of a kind.

He crawled where he couldn't go
that's most of his life,
they say, gossiped and conspired

But all I could say was
I had liked the damn fellow
True kindness is hard to be found

And life's injustices
are hardly ever your own fault
Hardly ever ...

't Is what 't is
and was what 't was
far from satisfying
hardly acceptable

So down to the door
to the left
walk through the door and ...
exit

A new blog for the wicked - contribute!

Incantations in Blue
September 6, 2009

http://www.incantationsinblue.wordpress.com

This blog is a new initiative. Not a journal, not a magazine, just a place where good writing can be assembled. Style doesn’t matter, form doesn’t matter … as long as the contributions are good. Language even doesn’t matter, but I would limit it to English, Dutch, French, Italian, Spanish and German. A world of possibilities, let’s see where this goes. Do not hesitate to send me an email (slaapslaapslaap@hotmail.com) with your work. A blog where you get to be appreciated for your writing, and who knows who will read ? Now let’s get started!

A working class hero

The working ants,
the soldier ants
each have their job

by train, by car
every morning
they go out on patrol
to fullfill their job

collecting money
for the queen bee.

A job is what makes you
or breaks you ...
Status is what you get
out of a lousy job
and life rhytme.

Status decided by who?
Certainly not
the most interesting people
out there.
Just the mild mediocre nothingness.

There used to be freedom
freedom ...
Now there's only pressure
pressure ...
to live your life
the way they want
to sleep
to eat
and to work
that's all
all that is expected from you

Update and editing ...

This blog is not the place where I concentrate my activities (cfr. my 'fan'page on facebook and the still growing site http://www.lenavanelslander.wordpress.com) but an update doesn't hurt for the moment ...

Since a few weeks I edit profiles of writers for Gloom Cupboard

I'm profiling poets on Outsider Writers and will soon be accepting submissions of poetry for the same site.

From September on I will contribute monthly to Contemporary Literary Horizont

Updates on who appears where, which poets will be profiled etc. will from now on be posted on the mentioned two sites.

Form the twilight up above
came a predicament
a song

a song,
so well known
to our hearts
and our core

A song
that unites and divides
united we stand
divided we fall.

Don't tell me what to do
I can make up my own mind
thank you

The chosen path

One life to live
One dream to die
in the land of plenty
where all is a lie

try it
conquer society's greatness
all you will find
is you get no reward
for living the lie

The place where dreams still fly

't Is about this
and nothing else
A raindrop down your spine
A clash of light in a firefly.

That part of the world
where dreams still fly
like guineapiggs in the sy
or did they confiscate that too?

Thank you B!

http://www.thinkingthelions.com/2009/08/last-sundays-poem-ever.html

Antisocial by David Blaine

read my review of this astonishing work on Gloom Cupboard

Domination, dominance whatever fits ...

How often does a person have to say this?

I have my own life
you have no say over me
I cannot live my life serving your shadow
Whenever you feel like commanding me.
And I don't exist in function of you
Once in a while I have to say no
And as a friend
you should be able to understand
AND accept that.

My mind wasn't and isn't made
for continual conflict
neither is my body.

Let death be a burden to us all ...
and a salvation to some.

Good friends
as long as one does what they say
Is there still someone out there
that rescpects your freedom of choice?
And actualy realises
the smalness of his own ego
instead of blowing it up
to the present gigantic proportions?
No, I have my own life
You are my friend
But I can't devote my life to driving you around.

One would doubt by times
One really would.

Music
the soother of the soul
when things get rough.

That delightfull lyric
guitarsolo
or tune
rhytm

Give me some of that good stuff
So my mind doesn't go so deep.

The weather changed
so did my mood
not an exception
generaly the rule
at least with me.

"Fall fell
and the clouds will chase around again
over the great blue sky
and my mind.
Fall Fell"

Think for yourself
then wonder what people might think
and decide you don't care.

Boring, boring ... and boring
so few things still to enchant
find the challenge again
that used to
burn me up.

Dreams so vivid
one could swear they were real
All well when beautiful
Till nightmares appear.

Borders of consciousness crossed
awake or asleep
doet it matter?
As long as it feels real
There are no dreams that limit
endless joy or endless grief.

Rainbows in my mind,
ghostriders in the sky
or was it
ghostriders in my mind,
rainbows in the sky?
I can't really remember ...

I do adore a good summer ...

The sun,
the warmth
cheer up my mind
like a wild buffoon.

Even the longing the travel
rises again.

Sleep comes gently
gliding away
in oblivion's blessing.

It's like trying to play tennis
and each time the ball comes at you
you keep hitting it in the open air.

I really don't get how some people
deal so easily with the sense of loss
continualy and inherently connected to this life

All the remnants of night and day
don't keep the demons away
But there used to be a spark
to chase them all around the dark.

Dear morning,
I bid you a good day
I hope your smile
chases the insomnia away.

Dear night
I welcome thee
bring me the salvation
Of a dream more beautiful than me.

A moment to remember

Walking down the street, sunset, the trees
A guy comes walking by, I look at him
Rather ok, maybe a bit old for me
Changing my perspective to the shop
Passing him by, I hear this:

"And she wants to travel with you ..."

Sometimes it's too bad you don't get to meet people.

Just writing this down
for it's a moment to remember

Just sad and blue

A phonecall
seems to be enough
like a blast from the past
to leave you sad and blue

Where the merry-go-rounds still turn
echoing that typical music
in an abandonded charade of youth

Where love was still so simple
undone of all distress
who could have known
that love is so fragile
that almost anything
can come between two people in love.

10K Poets challenge - human trafficking

I was up late one night
not an exception
but my weary boots wanted to rove
rove into the night
to taste it's sweet delight

Dancing around in the undertown
neonlights started burning
curiosity kills the cat
or the cat kills curiosity
but I passed a boot and looked inside
A washed away face, of a washed away life
I looked her straight into the eyes

Faded inner beauty
was all I saw,
a hurt soul, a hurt mind
scarred beyond life
no hope to be read
in those blackened eyes.
As if a candle losing it's oxygen
Gasping for breath, gasping for a shine of hope
Gasping slowly choking ...

Ashamed of introspecting such a devastated landscape
I looked at the ground
And all I could think of
was what she had on her mind

And for once I was ashamed
ashamed I was
because -
despite all my scars -
I knew I had it better
fighting to keep my candle alight
where all I could see there
was gasp, gasp, gasp ...

The words were spoken
and silence fell
who would react
and how

Nobody knew
She wanted her to be happy
so happy ...
She was never supposed to know.
She will never know.

Just wondering

Did I hurt you with my smile?
My laughter joyous again
as it once used to be

Do you think I'm flirting
because I smile and laugh
laugh and smile again?

It's just a wounded heart
slowly opening again
to whom she used to be

I may have my scars
but that? It's Life
But broken I am not!